This picture is what made me feel like writing this to you.
For four years I dated a boy who one week loved me and could not live without me, the next he wanted to break up. I cried the most during those four years, and don’t get me wrong, I cried hard. I cried myself to sleep I would wake up just to find myself still dripping tears. I remember my first night in my college dorm, he threatened to break up with me because I had said something that he didn’t like. My freshman year in college marked the fourth year I went through hell with him, so you can say I ‘grew’ with him. I met him my sophomore year in high school, and this was a time when I was most vulnerable. My first love had cheated on me by this time and my self esteem was at an all time low; I would jump at any attention a boy would give me, just to make myself feel better. The boy that I dated for four years gave me the right attention at the right time and I got entangled into his words. As time went on I found myself to be more of a version that he created rather than the version of me that I really was meant to be.
I always envisioned myself as a strong independent woman but I never realized that within those four years I never came close to that. I begged for his approval, I always kept him in the back of my mind, and always sought out things that would make him happy; why did I do this you might ask? I was afraid. I was afraid he’d yell at me for the dumb mistake I would make and honestly, I believed I was in love with him, and there was no one else like him. We broke up abruptly and within two weeks I was dating another ‘guy’ (I don’t say man, because he did not have the qualities or mentality a man must posses) this was quick, and at the time I didn’t understand why I was with someone so quickly, but in my mind I ‘loved’ him, but looking back at it now, I was the same woman in that relationship that I was in the previous one. I was afraid, I was vulnerable, and I thought I needed a man as my clutch to become the woman I needed to be, but that was a mistake!
I left him and all of a sudden I had found a little bit of strength I had not seen in myself in so long. I knew what I wanted in life and I knew that I needed to do it myself, but quickly that slow river of strength was stopped by a big boulder of a man (yes, I know another man, I promise this one was different) He was my first love that had cheated on me so long ago, and he finally was able to apologize and let me know that he had never stopped caring about me. At the moment this was everything, it made me smile, I thought my life was finally coming together, but just as quickly as it came, it was gone just the same. He explained to me that he was not ready for ‘this’ and he was confused; for some odd reason this hurt just as much as the time he cheated on me, and this may be because I had never stopped loving him, but as that moment came and he explained he was not ready and he was confused, it hit me!
I was not confused any longer, I was ready for whatever life had to throw at me and I knew that I did not need a man to hold me together as life hit me hard. I’m finally that strong independent woman I once thought I was. So far on this journey, that I am beginning alone, I have learned that I deserve so much more than I use to give myself credit for, and I will not settle for anything less than. I am more outspoken and happier now that I know I can do it on my own. I’m single and I have never been happier because I am able to focus on what I want and need, and not have someone dictate my actions like I once did, I will not worry about someone else’s needs before my own, and I will not wait around for someone to love me as I have loved them.
Ladies, I know sometimes life seems like it has a personal vendetta against you, but believe me everything happens for a reason. You will find your way out of your dark cave and find sunlight. It might seem like it is no where near, but believe me it is coming!
I know this was a little more intense than I like my blog to be, but something inside of me needed to get this out. I love you all so much!